News in Brief

A patient was bitten 12 times by a rat while lying in a hospital bed, the food in hospitals must have really gone down hill if rats are having to eat patients.

A mother who is set to give her daughter £8000 worth of cosmetic surgery vouchers on her 8th birthday says she is investing in my child’s future. Given that the mum actually owns her own cosmetic surgery business it looks like a cheap publicity stunt aimed at ensuring the company doesn't go tits up.

Whitney Houston's distraught mother has said that she is being haunted by the ghost of her daughter, she so scared by the experienced that she won't go anywhere near a bath.

Wishing they'd saved more money is what people regret most in life, followed by not working harder at school, according to a survey, other respondents said they regretted wasting so much time responding to silly surveys.

News in Brief

A 72-year-old Nepalese man has become the world's shortest man as well as the shortest person ever recorded, he was so proud of landing the record that he said he felt six feet tall.


Rihanna threw a "just divorced" party at Soho House for her best friend Katy Perry in New York last week to mark the end of her 14-month marriage to Russell Brand, it's any excuse a party with that woman.

Topless feminists clashed with police outside the Versace fashion show in Milan on Friday as they protested against the use of anorexic models, the event seems to have attracted it's fair share of knockers.

Acclaimed physicist Stephen Hawking, who is confined to a wheelchair by Lou Gehrig's disease and uses a computer to speak, has been spotted several times getting lap dances at a California sex club, he is such a popular customer that they are creating a disabled parking space for him.

News in Brief

A controversial Oxford Tory club has been expelled by the University after it failed to pay a £1,200 charity black tie dinner bill at Cavalry and Guards Club where Liam Fox was guest of honour. Being Tories I'm sure it was just an innocent misunderstanding.

With Hollywood actors film sets out his budget, one aspiring A-Level art student has recreated a series of famous movie moments using only Lego and a lot of patience, when he thought he wouldn't get the models finished in time he started bricking himself.

A watch owned by missing aristocrat Lord Lucan has surfaced, with claims it was bought in South Africa, the person making the claims is probably just a wind up merchant.

A daredevil has released a video of himself crashing into a cliff at 120mph during a botched leap from Table Mountain. It's bound it be a smash on You Tube.

News in Brief

Zac Efron accidentally dropped a condom package on the orange carpet at the premiere of 'Dr. Seuss' The Lorax' in Los Angeles, the embarrassed star said he will take precautions to try avoid ever doing it again.

Princes William and Harry have asked Gary Barlow to go to America to find US music stars for the Queen's Diamond Jubilee concert in June, presumably he won't be talking to Slipknot or Marilyn Manson.

The publisher of 'National Enquirer' has defended running a photo of Whitney Houston's body in her casket on the magazine's front cover. Many readers said the images should have been buried away elsewhere in the magazine.

Adele may be performing at the closing ceremony of the London Olympics this summer, she better not overrun or else James Cordon will have to cut her off again.

A Brighton football fan has vowed to give a full refund to whoever buys his £1.4m house - if the club get promoted, looks like he will be selling the Big Issue by June.

News in Brief

Louis Walsh wants Cheryl Cole to return to the X-factor, I'm not sure that becoming a fag hag is going to do a lot to help revive her career.

Harry Redknapp is being offered a lucrative new deal at Tottenham to keep him out of England's clutches, I wonder how much tax he will have to pay on his bumper salary?

Former England Rugby coach Martin Johnson has a new job: training children at a holiday resort in Sardinia, he's certainly had plenty of experience of working with players who act like kids.

High Street shops are buying "Adele-sized mannequins" as chains increasingly market clothes at curvier women,  has curvier become a new euphemism for tubby?

News in Brief

Police are hunting a "professional butcher" who killed five sleep at a nature reserve before removing the best cuts under cover of darkness, police say no sheep will be safe until the butcher is behind bahs.

A Swedish hospital has posted an online job recruitment ad targeting sexy nurses, presumably the nurses won't be allowed to work on the coronary ward.

A university sex education expert has called for pornography education to be taught in schools, after a study found most kids have viewed explicit content online by the age of 11, I wonder if the lessons will entail any homework?

Police are hunting a gang who tried to steal a valuable rhinoceros horn - in Norwich, a specialist squad of officers are working on the case because the law of thefts from rhinos is a bit of a grey area.

News in Brief

In the northern Italian town of Ivrea locals celebrate the carnival season by pelting each other with oranges re-enacting a centuries old legend of tyranny and the fight for liberty, when thery start to get tired they have a couple of Jaffa cakes to help keep them going.

A video of a new sport called Tazer Ball in which players can zap rivals with stun guns has gone viral on YouTube, if it ever makes it to the Olympics the Metropolitan police would be a good bet for a gold medal.

Scientists have produced  the world’s first synthetically grown meat burger, which they hope could fix the global food crisis, instead of creating  Frankenstein burgers wouldn’t it make more sense just to get American’s to eat less and then there would be enough burgers for everyone.

After complaining that he was being treated like a slave Manchester United rebel Tomasz Kuszczak has been sent to Watford until the end of the season, it could be worse they could have sent him to stack shelves in Tesco’s

I can’t believe that a silly think tank is urging the government to scrap free bus passes for pensioners, it’s bad enough that they dawdle around supermarkets with their trolleys let alone having more of them driving at 20 miles an hour on the road.

This country’s border agency has become a joke, it’s now easier to get into Britain that it is to get into most night club.

I’ve just signed up to join the TA I’m not that fussed about going to war but it’s probably the only way I can now get into any of the Olympic events without a ticket.

If councils really are spending £500m a year on CCTV cameras why don’t they try to recoup some of the costs by sending in some of the really funny clips to ‘You’ve been framed’?